There is a drain in my shower - of course. For years, taking a shower has been combined with being prepared for that drain refusing doing it’s job, water not running down the pipes but instead making a pool in the shower, eventually flooding the floor. So the showers weren’t the relaxing and soothing moment they are supposed to be, but a tensed situation where you had to be ready to jump out of there as quickly as possible, shampoo barely rinsed out of your hair.
It didn’t happen always, but often. The plumber was here frequently. Sometimes the drain worked for a while and you started thinking the problem was solved. Relaxing just a little bit. But there it was again. And you could never figure out when and why. The only thing you knew for certain was that it would happen and you needed to always be ready for it.
That drain has become the symbol for disaster stand by. Whether it’s about things going wrong in my house or in my body.
Some time ago my back was doing a tiny bit better. The dirt road to my house was to parts finally free from ice and snow and I could take sluggish mini walks. Extending them with a few meters a day. I felt like, maybe! Maybe I can start living a little bit!
It lasted for a week. I turned worse. And every other day I had and am having acute situations. A couple of the worst kind. Knifes across my lower back and sacrum. I haven’t had them before this winter. Leaving me immobilized and in nameless fear.
And the message is shouted to me in capitals: SIT! LAY DOWN! STAY IN PLACE! DON’T YOU EVER THINK YOU CAN DO ANYTHING ELSE THAN LIE LIKE A STRANDED LOG ON YOUR COUCH! DON’T YOU EVER THINK OF EXPANDING YOURSELF NEITHER PHYSICALLY NOR MENTALLY! STAY IN YOUR BOX! THIS IS YOUR LIFE, DAMN IT!!!
For a week I was thinking I had something going. I started hoping. I started looking forward. Seeing a little bit of future here at the end of my dirt road. Than the slap over my face. Again. DON’T YOU EVER THINK!
Am I to blame for having trust issues? How am I supposed to trust when the only thing I can trust is there is nothing to trust? How is a human being supposed to live and stay sane during such conditions?
I know. I am not suffering from a deadly decease. I have roof over my head. Food on the table. There are no bombs dropped over me from the sky. I have no right to complain. But sometimes my body feels like a war zone, land mines going off at the slightest move. And it’s just hard. And mentally extremely draining.