Mar 20, 2016

Post festum

Somebody asked me, “Maria, do you feel liberated now when you have turned 60?” It was kind of a funny question, and I am not sure I really understood what it was about, but it made me reflect on the subject.

When I woke up on March 14, my actual birthday, the wonderful spring sun was kissing me through my bedroom window. I looked out at my bare winter trees, pondering the fact that this was the day. Kind of waiting for some panic to hit me.

Then I remembered the question. Liberated? In what sense? I let my thoughts and feelings wonder for a bit. And found that… yes!

At 60 you are officially old (I mean for real, every decennium switch is a crises, and you might feel old already at 20) in the eyes of society and in your culture - depending on which culture is yours, of course. Let’s face it, you have passed expiration date on most arenas in life.

And instead of panicking, to my surprise I found that thought liberating! There is nothing to prove any more! What I didn’t achieve, the goals I didn’t reach and all the dreams that didn’t come true I can’t do anything about and that’s history now. I am free!

There is no bitterness here, and of course I can still have dreams. But all those expectations for a fulfilled life connected to the productive phase in life, the phase (and it’s a long one) when you always have to answer the question what you are doing professionally, if you are married, do you have kids etc, that phase is over. I will be under the rader, I am old, and I think I like it! 

The weird thing is, I’ve always felt old. And too old. My first memory of feeling too old was at age 14. It was too late. In that case, and many cases, too old for something I wanted to achieve. Now I am finally officially too old, and everything (nice) happening after this will be unexpected bonuses!

And you know what, I am so sick and tired feeling too old I will refuse to be from now on! I am carrying every age in me, as well as no age, that’s who I am and that’s how I am going to act.

Officially though, I am old, and when you are old you can go eccentric. Oooh, I like that. When I was working at National Swedish Radio, one day we had this little news bit on a study showing how people usually emphasizes their trait of character when they get older. We were sitting at the news desk discussing this, looking in to our futures. I said, “Okay, I wonder how short my skirts will be when I am 65?” “Yes”, my colleague Hans replied, “and how tall boots you will wear.”

I’m just saying…

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