1,5 month ago I had a bad stomach flue. I was totally down-and-out. At one point I slept all day in my bed, like numb. It was a Saturday. Hours passed and I didn’t notice. That’s never happened in my current bedroom where I’ve been since 2006.
This was during the extremely intense final sprint of the documentary I was working on. In the midst of all that I had one day when I couldn’t do anything at all, not even think about the project. It was so bad, Trouble 2 spent 24 hours here taking care of me as I fainted every time I tried getting myself to the bathroom.
So, I had this one day when I could let go of everything. Work and myself. The day after, Sunday, I felt a tiny bit better. Before Trouble 2 left we synchronized our calendars for further work - we had lost a lot of time. I immediately felt my brain go red, the adrenaline rushing through my body, breathing stopped and heart pounding. I realized I was seriously over worked. There was nothing I could do about it though, I had a deadline.
In the evening I took the big step moving over to the couch. It felt like going on a journey. So much information in my living room. Just lying there. To prepare for the Monday coming up I finally put the TV on, watching the news. The sound very low. Pictures flickering. Letting the world in. It wasn’t a good thing.
I would have needed many days in my bed, all numb. But I had a film to produce and finish. Was there anything I could change at all to make my situation less stressful? Yes, I could stay out of Internet.
I am not a big surfer at all, apart from what I need in my profession. I read Seattle Times every day, I check in on Trouble 1’s Instagram and I take my Facebook walks morning and evening. And short strolls in between, waiting for a phone call, a file to down load, a text to arrive, an email to come through, things like that. I have never felt stressed out or affected in a bad way by that. It turned out I was wrong.
The time following the stomach flue I couldn’t even read Seattle Times. The scrolling position of my hand made the adrenalin rush. The opportunity clicking on a link made my brain spin. I realized I had to monitor myself hard to stay on only one thing.
Which is easier said than done when you a producing a film and the client is tapping his fingers, waiting for you.
So, I focused on my work - at least trying thinking one thing at the time - and I stayed out of Facebook. Completely. For three weeks I had no clue what was going on in the world except from what the news was telling me. It was strange. But also a relief.
I’ve never been a friend of the Facebook jargon with the constants smileys and thumbs up, the traveling luggage and the beautiful food, all of us showing only the bright side of ourselves. Often there are no smiles and thumbs up in my life and I feel estranged and lonely watching that happy world out there. It was nice not being the spectator of all that for a while. And what a lot of time I suddenly had on my hands!
Eventually I started to make cautious visits there. I have a tendency of easily feeling invaded (which was very physical when I first joined Facebook), so I needed to go very slow. A short stroll a day. Closing. Taking a deep breath.
Now, 1,5 month later I am most days back to my morning and evening walks. My scrolling is very slow though. I am trying to remember breathing. And I am not interactive. I am not posting status. I am not (in regular) commenting or liking. I am a Peeping Tom. Which makes me feel bad. I’m the old lady hiding behind her window curtains watching her neighbors.
So why am I doing it? Why do I even want to be there? Well, a lot of people doesn’t use email any more and I am afraid I will miss a PM from someone who tries to reach me. And there might happen things in my extended family which I wouldn’t get to know any other way.
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