Feb 4, 2018

Bidding Alida a last farewell/epilog

Monday morning in the shower an unexpected feeling of panic tapped my naked body from inside.

At my visit to Alida on her hundred years in June I posed myself in front of her. She was in her wheel chair. I knew she could barely see at all. And her hearing was as dim as her eyes. Also, we hadn’t met in about three years.

- Alida, I said, hello.

She lit up. Hardly could she hear me and barley could she see me. Yet, there must have been something in my presence bringing memories back, making her smile. 

The panic in the shower two days after my farewell to Alida was the sudden understanding of having lost someone who loved me. Someone who had known me all my life and unconditionally just loved me.

I remember a summer afternoon when Trouble & Trouble were young. We were all on the front yard playing in the greenery. Värner and Alida came by and Värner was mentioning how lucky I was, having such a nice husband and sons.

I got that a lot. Yes, I had a very nice husband, and of course my little boys were as cute as they could be.

Then Alida responded: and how about E, isn’t he lucky having such a lovely wife?

There is a reason I remember this so well. There is no way a woman can compete with a nice husband when it comes to being appreciated among friends, family and I would say society. Marry a nice man (and you should of course, anything else is just plain darn stupid) but be prepared of him wearing an aureole, being treated like a hero while you are fortunate and not much more. Or let me put it this way, you need to be impeccable in every way to balance up a nice husband.  

Anyway. Alida’s comment that Sunday afternoon was such a gesture of love. Not that she didn’t like my husband, she really did of course. But she saw me. I have never perceived myself as lovely, but Alida did. And she wanted Värner to see what she saw.

How many people do we have in our lives who lit up in our presence? Who look at you as you were the sun itself?

I know I lost someone to whom I got to be a sun. Someone who received and embraced me at every aspect of the multifaceted being that I am.

I am stepping out of the shower, putting my clothes on. I feel like I need a lot of clothes. And a blanket.

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