Who would I be?

The other day I had the strangest experience. 

My mornings are always fragile. Especially those after a treatment the day before. I wake up and navigate in my pain to get a grip on where it is centered. How scared I need to be. And sometimes it takes a while to figure out where my body is at and where my protection needs to be focused.

Friday morning I woke up and the scanning happens automatically. I didn't notice a cramp anywhere though. And I did not feel like I was locked either. What was this? It was Jannie helping me out of bed and back after my start of the day. I told her how puzzled I was. The whole thing was odd and unfamiliar. A feeling of my pelvis being open. Free. Not framed. Liberated as well as unprotected.

And the really weird thing was how my brain was kind of up in the air. Like it had lost it’s focus. I could actually sense it soaring above my head. Like a butterfly waving it’s wings randomly (it seems) changing directions in search for something. 

In that moment I am realizing my brain’s normal position is always pointing downwards. Focused on controlling the pain and keeping my pelvis from not going totally over board, leaving me unmovable in a scream of fear.

What happened this morning was my brain was suddenly out of work. It was unemployed. And everyone who has been in that situation knows it really throws you up in the air.

In half an hour it was over. An intense cramp to the right of my left sit bone occurred. Order was restored. My brain found it’s focus. It’s assignment. This I know how to do.

I am wondering how many percent of my brain capacity 24-7 is occupied by pain and body control. This experience makes me think 97%.

The soaring brain above my head had the shape and the feeling of a light summer cloud. The colors white and blue. Transparent. Flexible. Receivable. Open for… what?

What would my brain do if it wasn’t pointed downwards? With what would it make itself busy? Who would I be? 

Closing my eyes recapturing the feeling of that half an hour the sense of my pelvis and my brain is very similar. Open. Nonrestricted. Free for any impulse. And room for that impulse to expand and happen. So who would I be? What would I do? And how would I feel?