Jun 5, 2016

Loosing the patience with my life

It was when my Ipad suddenly announced it was full, although it isn’t, it happened.

I am trying to communicate with a friend. We have been sending PMs on Facebook and for some weird reason my friend’s messages aren’t delivered. Or they are, but hours later or the day after. Our conversations get interrupted, lacking in rhythm, loosing flow and momentum. This has been going on for a while and it’s really frustrating. 

So, the other day I switched communication media to an app which I installed on my Ipad. Finally! Deep breath out. No more waiting and frustration. Flow!

Then yesterday my Ipad told me there was no space left, and I simply couldn’t use it. Which is ridiculous as I have nothing there. Consulting Trouble 2 he says Ipads can be funny that way, it is hard to empty the cash memory and he couldn’t figure it out over the phone. I have to wait until Tuesday. 

Which shouldn’t be the end of the world. But in combination with trying on a pair of walking shoes (which is only one out of many in the project Finding a Pair of Shoes that Works for Me) realizing these won’t work either, I lost it. I would have needed a couple of hours at the gym (which you know is impossible) to work out all the anger and frustration needing to come out.

All I could do was take a little stroll on my front yard. Where my grand father’s apple tree is covered in gorgeous white blossom. And the first red campion and purple cranesbill just came out. I love wild flowers. I love picking them and filling the house with bouquets in June. Only, I haven’t been able to for years. Because I can’t bend over. They are on the ground and I can’t reach them.

That’s when I really lost it. 

In my situation, you need to find a certain level of acceptance. Or else you won’t mentally survive. And I have. I can do that. I have acquired a patience that allows me to wait for a painting getting hung on the wall for years and be honestly happy when it’s done. I am accepting that my lower kitchen drawers are a mess (as here is plenty of people moving things around) and nothing is where I want it to be. Because I can’t do anything about it. And normally I am happy to see the wild flowers come ut, grateful just watching them.

But, I am enjoying the blossoming apple tree mean while I am also really annoyed with the deck under neath that needs a new coat of color and looks quite sad. And I know it won’t happen this summer because the work quota for Trouble & Trouble is already  filled with things (by me) ranking higher on this year’s priority list here at the end of the road.

So all I can do is being patient and wait.

I think my situation would be hard for anyone. But the thing is, I have so much will power. And I used to have a body that would paint that deck no problem, and hang the painting and give my roses new soil and mow the lawn and take care of everything myself, not relying on or waiting for anyone to fix all those things my will power desired to do.

And yesterday, when I couldn’t reach my beloved wild flowers and not communicate with my friend, I just lost it. I lost the patience with my life. The life I am equally grateful for and hate. I don't want to be patient any more! My patience is gone! I can’t wait any more! I don’t have time waiting!

I feel like I have been wearing a white fluffy fur cape, covering me. The cape Patience. And above that my smile. Saying I am fine. I am grateful for what I have. Look how grateful I am.

Yesterday I threw that white fur coat on the floor. Too bad it was so fluffy, I would have needed a big bang to go with the throw. The smile was wiped out with anger, frustration and sadness. I was mad and sad all evening. I went to bed mad. I woke up mad. And now I am writing, blowing some steam.

Things could be so much worse. I know that for a fact. I have a beautiful home and a very special place to live. I am healthy, well except for my physical restrictions and all that complementary pain. And I am grateful. I have to be grateful. And I have to be patient. But all this spring I’ve been like a volcano, feeling like I would erupt any minute. All that will power trapped inside. All that…life that wants to come out and…live. All that patience covering the real me. All this time passing while glowing lava buried deep down is running like underground rivers longing for light.

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