I felt like flying! I had a new body! There was a world out there and I could be a part of it!
My pain and immobility have escalated during spring. Every weekend (I am measuring in weekends because they are so terribly long and uninterrupted) has been tougher to get through than the one before. I don’t have the release and high after the treatments anymore. I feel a little bit better for some hours, but the pain has such a tight grip on me now that it’s not possible for the body to let go of the muscle cramps.
My pelvis is a mess. Extremely unstable. Every day I have needles and shootings hitting me. Standing, sitting, lying down. Sometimes where I expect them to come, sometimes somewhere else. At times I am attacked at the left and right at the same time. And my brain can’t handle that. It’s too much information. If you are prepared for an attack on your left, that’s what you need to protect, being extremely aware of what’s going on there. In that mode, also being attacked on your right creates chaos and panic. You have nowhere to take shelter. It’s a war. Your body is at war with itself. It’s a stand-off and my intellect and willpower has no say, fear, distress and panic are the winners. Week after week, day after day, minute by minute, it’s just surviving. That’s where I have been for a long time now.
Thursday, Christoffer was treating me, and it was a while since he last saw me. Looking at my treatment history he was concerned. And wondered how my psoas muscles were doing. I could tell him they probably were doing really bad. And I was right. They were hyper tensed. If your psoas are that tensed, adjusting the pelvis and sacrum area doesn’t really help, psoas is a powerful muscle and will win the battle.
So, Christoffer worked the psoas for a good while. Then the piriformis, the abductor a s o before he adjusted what needed to be attended to. It felt really good. It absolutely felt like the right thing to do. And it was!
I was flying out of there! A new body! A new world! I saw the green buds on the bird-cherry tree outside the practice. I chatted with Josephine driving me. Energy flooded into my body. There was light! I sang with her 2,5 year old daughter, picking up groceries was fun, and I noticed people around me. Back at the house Trouble 1 and his friends were up on my roof having the time of their life trying to rescue my chimney from those dreadful jackdaws building a nest. Josephine’s daughter, let’s call her Dancy, ran between my house and her grandpa’s (my next door neighbor) followed by her little puppy, and me and Josephine walking. I could walk! There was life inside and outside me, it was like I could almost see the swirling energy. I was let out of my black pain hell prison and there was a world waiting for me outside!
In the evening I rested on my couch. I watched three episodes of favorite TV series while knitting. I felt good. I felt really good. I had the best evening in months.
And a slight hope started to sprout within me. What if… What if Christoffer can help me? What if Christoffer is the one who can really help me?
I don’t know how many times in my back pain career that thought has popped up in me. Maybe he? Maybe she? Maybe here? Maybe there? Maybe this kind of treatment? Maybe this exercise? Chiropractors, naprapaths, osteopaths, naturopaths, physiotherapists, acupuncture, counseling. Maybe this is the answer? Because there has to be an answer. I just haven’t found it yet.
I went to bed and had a good night’s sleep. Didn’t wake up from pain. Felt okay when morning arrived. Started my in bed routine waking my body up. My extremely tiny exercises for mobility and stabilizing. I turned my head carefully to the left. And my left side acted up. In less than an hour I was acute. In less than an hour I went from feeling fine and hopeful about the day and even for the future (!) to acute and in despair. For the first time in many months I cried from my situation. I turned my head slightly to the left and my future was ruined.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn. I have come to the point where I have accepted my life as it is. Acceptance is the only way when you have tried everything with no change. Acceptance is the step to take for contentment with the life you have. In my case lying on my couch all my awake hours, working a little bit from there, going for my treatments picking up groceries Monday and Thursday, and, in my better periods attending the choir rehearsals Wednesday evenings, half lying in my special chair singing. That’s my life, and it could be worse, that I know from experience. So, I am basically grateful.
Therefore, to let me experience that light and weightlessness I did the day before, that’s just cruel. It happens like once in two years. I am let out and I get to know that inside the prison of pain is a functioning body stuck! It is trapped, but it’s there and it’s possible! It would be possible for me to have a (different) life experiencing feelings like joy and freedom and strength and independence and… I don’t know, I don’t even remember what a life not ruled by pain and fear would be.
A long time ago Trouble 2 watched a taped TV-program I was a part of singing, I was in my twenties. Mom, he said, you look like a happy girl! That happy girl is encapsulated in a concrete block of pain and fear. My sons have never met her.
I am crying because I don’t know how to get through this. And because it is so sad. It is so terribly sad. It is such a waist of a human life. And I would be better off without those tiny windows of light and hope teasing me for a moment every other year. I would be better of not knowing, staying in my acceptance.
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