It’s tomorrow. It’s the day before The Day. And I am terrified.
I have spent many weeks preparing and today I am in on the home stretch. My lawyer and I have been through all the questions he is going to ask me and I have worked hard to get the answers right, not leaving anything important out. Formulating myself is my arena so I should feel somewhat safe. Now, I might if I was allowed a script or at least key words. But I am not.
So, what do I do? I am spending the day memorizing. And it’s a lot. Don’t I trust my lawyer on doing his job. I do.
The thing is, this is about me. I will be in court tomorrow and the verdict will decide my future. My lawyer won’t be better than I have prepared him to be. I am the one giving him the information about my situation and a win or loose can depend on details I have given him or blanked out on.
It’s funny, I feel a lot as when I was a reporter at Swedish National Television briefing the host of the investigating consumers show before going live. God, make me not forget something really important!
The other thing is, in whatever situation I have been in in my life I am the one having the overview. I am the one seeing the whole picture. And outside the picture. Around the corners. And people around me trust me (for good or worse) to fix whatever it is. Now, I have never been in a court room before. I don’t see any picture what so ever. Which of course scares me like shit. So I am trying desperately to make me a picture.
The third thing is, in my life I have no experience of anyone speaking up for me. Correction, it has happened once (just a few years ago), and it was a strange, highly unexpected and wonderful treat. I was stunned. Not even in Swedish can I express the depth on an emotional level of that experience.
The past few weeks a nice young man have put in a lot more hours than he will be payed for in understanding my situation and making it a case. Trying to solve a very difficult situation for me. And tomorrow he will speak up for me in the court room. I can’t really wrap my head around it.
So, now I will spend the last hours on this home stretch memorizing as much as I can possibly do. And trust my lawyer to get me on track if I get lost. Or blanks. Or, my worst nightmare, if I pass the Fight and Flight system and go into Freeze Mode.For now I need to stay away from the emotional part of me and keep my head clear and my body calm. And I am asking everyone out there to send good thoughts, light and love to northern Sweden Monday afternoon starting 1PM. Gosh Seattle, that’s 4AM! Okay, from you I am asking for nice dreams for me or maybe set your alarm on a powerful meditation before the sun rises. Thank you!