Valentine’s Day has never been a big thing for me. An American super commercial event (although it’s origin was the Catholic church in the 500 century!) imported to Sweden under the name Alla hjärtans dag (All/Every Hearts Day) when I was a little girl. That’s a long time ago though, new generations feel more related to this loved and feared day, and we have made us one more occasion when it’s not okay to be by yourself. No one to give your heart to and no one to be given from. To feel alone. And Facebook doesn’t help, that’s for sure.
When Trouble & Trouble were teenagers I used to buy the three of us roses on Valentine’s Day. I stood all sweaty in long lines to get them. A lot of times I was on the verge of giving up and just drive home to get the food on the table, but no, my persistence helped, and I could serve not only food but a big red rose in a beautiful bottle a side the dish for each of us.
I think I started this tradition after me and my sons’ dad separated. I don’t remember either him or me ever making anything out of Valentine’s Day when we were still together. No, it was something about this great day of showing love that made the sadness of a split up family more painful. And I compensated the loss with big red roses next to our three dinner plates.
When you feel alone, a perky “it’s just a commercial stunt” doesn’t do the trick. You can say it, you can think it and it can be your opinion. But what goes on in your body and soul, well that’s a different ball game, as my dear old friend Tant Helen used to say. The sad heart, on All Heart’s Day.
I have been swearing in church (does that work in English?) for some years. I have mostly done it in a quiet way. It takes a lot of guts to question the religion or ideology which is predominant, and in this time and age it is Positive Thinking. I won’t go into it in a big way (it’s a issue by itself, wait for it!), but when Barbara Ehrenreich released her book Bright-sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America (2009), it was like someone let me out. In the United Kingdom the book has the pre fix Smile or Die. Ehrenreich had gone through cancer recently, just as I had, and refused to smile through it, being happy for the experience. Yeah, such bull shit.
Anyway, Ehrenreich is now followed by more writers and researchers questioning persuading ourselves into happiness and gratefulness whatever struggles are laid before us. I am so welcoming them, and I came to think about it las night.
I had a good day yesterday. I was fine, more than fine even. My back wasn’t at it’s worst and and I got some things done that had been on my weekend to do list for a long time. I even sat at my desk for a little while, sorting out some of my stacks. Oh how I love when I can do that, it is extremely satisfying! And it’s something about sitting upright, it gives me strength. I feel normal for a moment. Happy and grateful.
I was having my dinner. My dreary Saturday dinner by myself, as every Saturday. It is fine. I am used to it. Only, yesterday was one of those days it’s not okay to have a dreary dinner by yourself. Facebook flooded by people’s heart to heart suppers or gorgeous friends and family dinners. I know, stay out of Facebook at those times. But it’s my peek out into the world.
Then, I heard foot steps at my front porch. Knock knock. Who is there? It’s Awara. Awara, what are you doing here? It’s All Hearts Day, I am coming to see you!
Awara Gulani is one of the two owners of the home care business taking care of me. I thought there had been some misunderstanding, I had already had my dinner fixed, and felt sorry for him driving all the way out here for nothing.
But it turned out he had been driving all the way out here to give me a box of chocolate, a big hug and his loving smile on Valentine’s Day! It was not until then I realized that I had been sad. Not until my eyes teared up from astonishment and gratefulness that someone would do that for me. That Awara did that for me.
When I started using Civil Care’s services I was one out of 6 clients. Today I am one out of 70. I am the only one out here in the woods and it would have been so easy for them to skip me last night. On top of their already tight Saturday schedule they drove around to each and everyone with a box of chocolate, a warm hug and a smile. They know I would understand that a trip out here would have been the stretch they couldn’t make. I am not old and confused, I have been with them pretty much from the start and we know each other well by now.
But they didn’t. And I didn’t really know I was sad until Awara unexpectedly showed up here and made me happy. Without knowing it, he pierced a tiny whole on the I-am-fine-and-grateful bubble I had made for myself. And out of that bubble came a few tears of sadness and a few of happiness. And some insight about the state of things.
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