I have all these
dreams. For myself. And for my place here at the end of the road. In May, under
the title “You always have a choice. They say/part 2” http://homeisawayawayishome.blogspot.se/2013/05/you-always-have-choice-they-saypart-2.html,
I was listing 77 of them. Yes 77. Everything from “pick something up from the
floor - buy the Smith Tower. To “go to the movies - dig a lake or two”.
I don’t have a
problem finding 77 dreams, big and small, utopias and
maybe-a-possibility-at-some-point. It’s very easy to get overwhelmed and
discouraged about everything I want and want to do that can’t happen. And hard
to see that I, in spite of everything, circumstances and challenges, have
managed to accomplish and fulfill some small things that used to be on my long
list before it was narrowed down to only 77.
In the seventies
my mother planted a couple of lupines in front of the cute outhouse, where the
barn used to be. Over the years they have spread to a June-beautiful sea of
white, pink, scarlet and different shades of blue. The place has felt kind of
flat though. I wanted to add something to give it some height. Also, I felt
like it needed some centerpiece.
I had spotted a
big rock in the grove between my place and Alida’s. Dark grey, like a stranded
baby elephant. Everyone told me it was too big to move. Well, if you say so… I laid
my eyes on a smaller one for a different location and asked Sören to bring his
tractor. He did. But even though it was way too small for my needs it was quite
enough for Sören’s tractor, and it took a while to get it into his bucket and
put it in the right place, just in front of the lupines. Nice!
Should I give up
on the baby elephant? That’s what
everyone told me to. But, what about Jonas? Jonas and Sören are the two farmers
in my village. It turned out that Jonas was more heavily equipped than Sören,
and yes, he could probably do it! Watching him wake the elephant up and let if
fall asleep again in the middle of mother’s sea of lupines was a spectacle! And
my feeling had been right, that was exactly what was needed and the hidden
elephant of the woods was given a new life. And ha, it could be done! Don’t
ever tell me what’s possible and not! I literary felt like I could move
mountains!
I love the
traditional American Aaron Deck Chair. Summer -07 while in Seattle, I saw a
picture of four chairs in four shades of yellow, green, blue and red, one color
per chair. So Seattle! So fun! I love how playful art and crafts are in
Seattle! And the idea of doing something similar back home was firmly planted in
me.
Summer -09, the
chemo summer, I bought a deck chair at one of those low cost Home Depot kind-of
places (Jula) in Sweden. It was plain natural pine, about 30 dollars – I was
lucky to even find one, they weren’t as common here back then. And then I got
myself the colors I wanted. Four shades of blue and violet. Just some paint,
not a big deal. Well, as the chair was going to be on the grass in front of the
lupines under the birch tree and the open sky I needed out door paint. Only 90
bucks… Did anyone have opinions about this? What do you think?
Then I dismounted
the whole chair. And it wasn’t a four-part back. It was a seven. And then on to
the paint job.
It was a sad
summer. Not only because of the chemo but the weather. A no-good summer
for painting. It was raining a lot. And very windy, as it always is. I
can truly say that it took me the whole summer and a good part of the fall to
make this Seattle fun thing become reality in Sweden. Every single part of the
chair needed three coats of paint. Most of it I had to do inside because of the
weather. And, of course, I was very week. I could only do so much at a time.
But, finally it was done.
It’s now the forth
summer I am enjoying this Seattle inspired jewelry in front of my mothers
lupine sea and the two impossible-to-move rocks. I’m so glad I put all that
money into that paint, because the finish is still as beautiful as when it was
first done.
The very same
summer Trouble & Trouble and I planted for baby apple trees in the lupine
sea. The winters to come should be really hard on those babies, but they
have all survived snow, deer and field mice and are looking good, spreading
above the lupines and framing those impossible rocks.
Now, a forth dream
for this spot is a water lily in a zinc bucket under the birch tree with the
deck chair. Shouldn’t be that hard? Well, the zinc bucket is a substitute for a
good size pond, so it’ really just a tiny dream. But water lilies need some
depth so it took me many years to find a deep enough bucket. Which I did last
summer.
My cousin Pär
helped me plant the water lily in some special clay at the bottom of the
bucket. Pär lives in Miami and knows his way around water plants. I am sure he
did everything right, but somehow the poor lily didn’t seem to enjoy her life
deep down in the bucket, she just stayed down there and the water and clay
turned to a dark green mess. At my return from Seattle in the beginning of
October there was a crust of ice slicing the poor thing and I gave her back to
nature. I had to give in for the moment.
But I am not giving
up! This summer I haven’t had a chance to make it a new try, but hopefully next
year. Because I am looking at my mothers lupines, which were just a couple to
start with and I know her dream was a sea of them. And then I added my dreams:
the rocks, the colorful deck chair and the four baby apple trees. I will just
keep on trying for my water lily.
So, there is this
list of 77 more or less impossible dreams. Add three that I actually
accomplished and fulfilled. In spite of everything, circumstances and challenges.
Check, check, check. And help me remember that I did. It was possible. It’s not
big dreams. They are small and very down to earth. They are dreams I can
look at every day though, thinking; I did it. Goddamn, I actually did it.
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