Seizing the Christmas moment

There is Christmas music in my yellow kitchen downstairs. There is chatting and laughter and life in my house. I am resting on my couch while listening to my children baking and making the Christmas ham. My empty and painful place has turned into a cozy home. And I am seizing the moment.

Becca was the first one to arrive, on Friday. Becca isn’t really my daughter, but close to. She was three years old when we first met, at the corner of Columbia and 34^th in Madrona where we stayed our second time in Seattle, summer -95. Now a young woman at 21 she is studying in Spain for the year and is here to spend Christmas with her Swedish brothers and their family. What a treat!

And yesterday Trouble 2 and girlfriend Audrey arrived from Paris where they have their home now. I haven’t seen them since August. I always miss my children when they are gone for a long time of course, but lying here flat having to rely on people I don’t know for surviving makes the arrival of my kids a joy that’s hard to express.

I can literally feel how my body is relaxing. How my breathing is getting deeper. Calmer. Slowing down. How a feeling of safety that’s been gone for such a long time that I don’t even remember it is entering and I realize this is the way I am supposed to feel. This is the natural state of mind. This is what life should feel like.

My task now is to enjoy this. Fully. Not worry about that it will all be gone in two weeks. It’s a hard thing for me. I am not talented when it comes to this. I am no doubt about it absolutely lousy on this subject. Aware though. So I will work on it.

Becca told me that she has been having this picture of her sitting in a cabin under a blanket all snowed in, in a frozen winter wonderland. Well, the wonderland is white and frozen. It’s so beautiful it’s kind of ridiculous. It’s not a Christmas card; it’s more than your wildest dreams of a Christmas card. And it’s for real. And my place is kind of a cabin. So I provided Becca with a blanket, needles and yarn. I want her to have the Christmas she was picturing.

That’s what we all want, right? The perfect Christmas. But life has it’s own ways. And Christmas is the most horrible time of year for big changes that you didn’t chose yourself, challenges and losses.

I am sure Becca will have her share of Christmas challenges through her life. So I want to provide her a holiday that will give her strength and always be remembered with great joy. Wading in the deep snow cutting down the Christmas tree with her Swedish brothers in their forest. Baking Swedish and American Christmas cookies in my warm kitchen. Knitting under my blanket with the candles lit. Decorating the tree and having glögg (mulled wine) with my sons’ friends. Spending Christmas Eve at my sisters. And we’ll see, maybe even going to the julotta, the early morning Christmas Day service.

And experiencing my Swedish Christmas through Becca gives me a shining joy and articulates a different depth to the traditions. It helps me to enjoy it fully. To seize the Christmas moment.